New Start - Day 2

It's been a while since I've posted. It was difficult for me to find the balance of work and personal life.

The balance has been given to me. My job position was eliminated on Friday. A complete shock. But I couldn't find the balance. I couldn't find me in the job. As odd as that sounds. Even though people are saying "Its for the best". It still does not help the feeling:


It really does make you examine your life, your decisions. I've had to work hard to get where I am. I now am looking at why, why did I work so hard to get, nowhere. Right now I look at the jobs available and I start looking at myself. The last two jobs (both of which had my position eliminated in the last 3 years) really were not a fit. They were what I thought I wanted. I really thought I wanted to work in the corporate world. I was so happy to have landed a job in one of the largest firms in the world. When that job went away, I thought what I really liked to do. I liked teaching and I know this specific software. So when I saw this teaching job come up, I was excited. But as the months went along, the joy was quickly replaced with anxiety. I never did a good enough job. Not that I didn't do a good job but it was always stated "How could you do it better". After a few months of that, you really become demoralized.

Now, I have free time, all the time in the world. Yesterday, out went 10 resumes. Funny that hits my quota for 3 weeks with unemployment insurance. All 10 are in my field in which I am educated, but the question now is do I really want to stay in this field. That is the same question I asked a year and a half ago. I found the new job in 5 months, which I thought was great. I was kind of out of the field, into a new direction of teaching.

Now, I am left with the same question. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? The only answer is live my life!

You know I've done most of the things in my life to have people like me. What a fool! Now, dont get me wrong, it is nice to have friends, people liking you. But now for me its more important that I like myself, that I find a job that I can be myself and like the job. In the corporate world my personality is not taken positively, I think. I do my job, but I have a sense of humor to me. I find the humor in most things and I cant stand grandstanding and people hypocrisy's and office politics, I cant play that game. People who try to make themselves something they are not irritate me. Sadly, that is corporate. Make people think you are something you are not. I've seen people let go that are great workers but they were not friends with the boss. They weren't good schmoozers.

This job got to me. I tried so hard to fit. I stressed myself so much I ended up wearing a heart monitor and having an MRI. I remember laying the in MRI machine and I was so mad at myself to have let a job get me so stressed that I was 'killing' myself. Really, I thought I had had a heart attack, actually two before I went to the doctor and found out it was just me and my stress. I knew I needed to change something.

What irks me is I needed to change something. To have someone else make the decision for you is what has me the most angry. Someone else is playing with my life. Bosses have control over your livelihood, so maybe its about time I go back and take control and run my own business. I did it 4 years ago for the eight years prior and was successful with it, I can do it again.

This is only day 2, there are a lot of feeling to go through.

I now have time to got through an edit all of the posts I wrote while traveling to work or for work.

There is a schedule to my day. And today I think I will have a cup of coffee on the patio and enjoy the beautiful sun.